northsong

I did not walk, Sam I am,  I said I would,

I did not get out there and do it, Sam I am,

I didn’t put on the walking shoes, with sox, or even want to do it by the end of yesterday, Sam, you hear me??

Ugh…that’s all I can come up with, feeling like a failure, saying I would go walking and I didn’t.  The shame of my mind blurting out that I would do something that my body did not.  It’s like that TV commercial, where the woman is kicking herself in the butt, that’s me…kicking myself first thing this morning.  How could I say I would do it and not go walking?  Coward!  See…told you I was my own worst critic.  I must eat my words: there is no success without a greater degree of failure(See EXPERIENCE TIME BLOG).   

Good thing, yesterday was only 5 smokes, and for today’s allotment, 4 stubby little ones sit in the box.  If only it were as simple as just quitting, I would be done.  

I would be the first one to jump on the reborned bandwagon…or up on the SOAP BOX, whichever comes first! 

Yesterday, I completed a 5 day project of making a walkway in the yard out of blocks, rocks and joint sand(cool stuff).  Kept me busy, and from smoking more.  Since I am done with that, something else besides stepping up to the SOAP BOX, has to fill time to keep my mind off smoking. 

4 smokes, how simple is that?  Simple enough to drive a nutty person crazy.  I need more coffee!   

So here is the deal, (no excuses or bargaining allowed on my part) if quitting is that easy and simple, like walking is, then it should happen today.  I have a total of 10 smokes left for the next 4 days including today.   How’s that for obsession?  Pathetic, counting them off like they have become some kind of ceremonial representation of the idiocy in my life.  They are!  Like a long awaited Novel being written, we can entitle it> The Idiocy of Life: Obsessive Smoking> The Idiots Guide to Starting, Stopping, Starting again and again, Quitting again and again… all you ever need to know to never start smoking!

I can no longer justify doing it without sounding like an idiot. The line has to be drawn somewhere.  Addict that I am, should not allow a dumb little pack of dried tobacco have any power over my life.  I have the power to deny it access to my brain.   

I will let you know how I did> kicking my own ass throughout the day.    Lucky for me no one is recording this, you might be able to see utter frustration and livid determination collide…yes, I still have fingernails, for now.    

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